Oh, my goodness, saying “no” used to leave me writhing & completely riddled with guilt,
to the point where I would volunteer unsolicited explanations, rambling on & on. I would even feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead, depending on how deep I found myself plummeting into my justifications. What a waste of time & energy. “Just say NO, Can” – cue the eyeroll.
As a recovering ‘people pleaser’, I now understand the psychological strategies at work which one is often times unaware of, when faced with what seems like the longest, debilitating 5 seconds of your entire life, trying to maneuver & navigate your way out of saying the big ‘N.O.”
When the time arrived for me to deal with my demons & address the real psychological seeds which caused me to self-sabotage at the drop of a hat, I was never ready. LOL. I wasn’t aware that I needed a full-on lesson in self-worth, so the powers-that-be, sent me tests & lessons if I may, in the form of toxic relationships, challenging work colleagues & bosses, & family drama. You are almost beat down into submission & stripped of your dignity when you’ve become too stubborn or you choose to ignore the myriad of hints sent to you from God, buddha, the universe or whomever you regard as your spiritual guide. At least that’s what it felt like to me. Until I learnt to listen actively to myself, I was always functioning at the mercy of everyone else.
I remember wanting to say ‘no’ but instead, what came out of my mouth was ‘okay’ in other words ‘yes’ & when you say yes to one thing you automatically say ‘no’ to another. In my case I was saying ‘no’ to my standards, my morals & my values for the sake of looking good. I would have a full schedule on a day and still say ‘yes’ to other’s requests & literally squeeeeeeeeze in the time. I conned myself into believing that pleasing others & putting their needs before mine was a good thing, that I would be accepted, liked, appreciated & these were all telltale signs of the lack of self-love, acceptance, appreciation toward myself. Letting someone else down was more disconcerting to me than my own disappointment. Something was wrong. The external validation was a ‘high’ that I kept chasing. I was apologising for things that didn’t even require an apology. I didn’t respect my own boundaries & when trying to act upon them, felt hella guilty. I couldn’t just say ‘no’, I would respond with an “I can’t because….”. This, I later learnt was a cop out response, kinda shirking the blame on whatever or whomever else as the excuse, because I would ‘otherwise be happy to help.’ LIES! I wouldn’t be happy to do it at all. I’d be tired & frustrated, even angry for failing myself yet again. Inner battles at its best.
Saying no, is actually VERY HEALTHY! Little did I know that saying ‘no’ would feel so empowering, so freeing. When you make the decision to start, it could feel overwhelming but start small. I started by adding delays when responding to people, that if I were in the middle of doing whatever I was doing, I was busy & that I am important in that moment. Responding to whomever else was secondary. Another technique I embraced was to say something like “let me get back to you on that.” Even when I knew what my response would be. This response sends a message to the other person that I have priorities & that my time is as important as theirs. I started understanding how self-love should actually work & that my daily goals, or long-term goals needed my full cooperation & that doing whatever I needed to do on a daily basis meant that everyone else had to come in second to these goals. The self-neglect started minimizing & the desire to make myself happier became more appealing.
Below I’ve listed a few things you could try on & if they work for you, keep practicing them.
- Start with small no’s – eg: “I will be there, but I’ll be late.” This way you’re spending less time at that party that you’d much rather not attend.
- Delay – Respond to texts, emails etc. when you’ve finished what you’re busy with at that time.
- Buy time. This eases the pressure to reply straight away and later regret your decision. eg: “Let me get back to you.”
- Stop apologizing for putting yourself at the top of your priority list.
- Stop reshuffling your set routine for others, creating space which you may not have available to begin with. Burn out is sure to follow.
- Do things that make you feel great, spend time with people who uplift you without you having to do anything for them. You’ll soon feel that internal validation & you’ll no longer need approval or acceptance from others.
- Set goals & know them well. It is easier to decline someone else’s requests when you know what your daily schedule looks like. Your goals should drive you to make things happen every day. These personal tasks are ultimately getting you one day, one hour, one minute closer to the apex of those goals.
From one people pleaser to another, if I could do this, so can you.
YOU GOT THIS!!
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